How can we cope?

I don't really know how to start this post, so I will just say this - we are in unprecedented times. No one alive right now is equipped to deal with this. From government and scientists all the way down to the average Joe and of course children.

There's no manual called "How to Beat the Coronavirus" and there's no self-help book entitled "So You're in a Pandemic! How Not to Have a Complete Mental Breakdown." If there were, we'd be in a much different state than we are currently.

So how do we cope with something on this large of a scale? The answer is unknown. As someone who deals with depression, I realized tonight, as I write this post at 4 a.m. after spending majority of the night crying or feeling guilty for crying and keeping my husband awake, that I have not been coping healthily.

I don't know if there are really "right and wrong" ways to cope but there are certainly "healthy and unhealthy" ones.

For me, I am a very strong person. I try really hard to not let things break me down. The problem with that is that it only works for so long. I think of it as a dam. The dam is my protector, keeping my depression at bay. The water inside the dam is not just the depression itself, but feelings that push harder on my depression.

In a regular situation, I'm able to keep the dam going strong, holding out until that extra water eventually evaporates, or what have you, and then moving on. But sometimes there's a chance that the dam could overflow, or someone or something can break out the sledgehammer and beat on that dam until it breaks.

And that's exactly what happened to me. I had a conflict over something that was blown way out of proportion in a space I thought was safe. Every moment of that conflict was a sledgehammer smash to my dam. And the bigger the crack in the dam got, the more feelings I had and eventually it burst.

All of the feelings I had pent up over the past month came flowing out and I'm in the head space right now where I don't know how to stop it. The water just keeps on coming, figuratively and literally via my eyeballs.

My usual fail-safes aren't even cutting it at this point - talking about it, sleeping it off, finding closure in the situation and even my husband's loving reminders and hugs still weren't enough to shut it off.

The conflict may have burst the dam, and I still have a lot of feelings about that, but now on top of that, I've been forced to confront the feelings I had locked away as a protective measure. The anxiety I feel being stuck inside for weeks and weeks, the ache of missing my family, the anger of dealing with stupid people and the general daily frustrations of work, just to name a few.

Allllll of those feelings are now front and center and I am honestly at a loss. I turned to writing this post because it was the only fail-safe I hadn't tried yet. Putting all of those feelings on paper helps me to get it out of my system via organized thought and has kept my mind focused on writing a coherent message and not just the incessant repetition of negative thoughts.

All of this brings me back to the issue at hand - coping with something we just don't know how to handle. None of us have ever really been locked away like this and kept from the people and things we love. Some people try to tough it out and eventually break down, some channel it into art, some channel it into anger and others just go totally insane.

I say creativity is the healthy way to go. None of us need hatred and anger from others right now. There's really never an excuse to be ugly toward people. We are ALL dealing with this. We are ALL stuck inside and away from those we care about. Don't use it as an excuse to be mean to people.

I've chosen to channel my frustration, sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety and whatever other weird pandemic feelings I'm having into being creative, whether it be writing an article,  doing my makeup or designing my island on Animal Crossing. Channel those emotions into something that will make you happy, take your mind of the current climate and, hopefully, make you feel better, even if only a little bit.

There's definitely no instruction manual on how to deal with this, but if we all try to find healthy ways to cope, things will definitely be better off!

XO, Briana

My Journey with Depression

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and thought I'd share my story. I feel like I'm an open book, so if I can in any way help others who are suffering from depression and/or anxiety than it's totally worth opening up about!

I was talking with my mom the other day about my journey with depression. She has had it for a long time, as well as my aunt so it runs in the family. I do want to put a quick disclaimer in saying that I have not been clinically diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but the shoe fits. I do also suffer from anxiety, which I will touch on, but I want to focus on depression for this particular post!

One of the things I brought up was the fact that I didn't realize that I was suffering from severe depression until way after I came out of it. It's almost like an out of body experience, looking back on myself now with fresh eyes. I didn't really start to experience depression until college. I had a lot on my plate: I was away from home for the first time, living on my own for the first time and dealing with the stress of classes and meeting new people. I think I was alright for the first few years because it was such a unique and exciting experience. However, I also traveled home once a month to visit which probably helped the situation.

My senior year is really when I can recall first experiencing severe symptoms of depression. At the time I blamed it all on being stressed out. I am a perfectionist (#anxiety) so stress comes quite easy for me. So having so many things to worry about and big responsibilities, like designing makeup for A Midsummer Night's Dream, just tipped me over the edge. Plus I was working two jobs and had a lot of drama with friends. It was pretty rough. And I also didn't get to visit home as much because I simply didn't have time.

To the symptoms. I didn't want to do anything. And I mean anything. Just getting out of bed half of the time was an absolute chore. I was constantly sick, whether it was a cold or allergies or just feeling like my whole body was hit by a Mac truck. I missed class a lot, called out from meetings and work, flaked out on spending time with friends and spent a lot of time watching marathons of Bar Rescue. Through it all, I really just thought I was tired from running all the time and that my body couldn't handle it. I was suffering and I didn't know why. I wanted to do all of these things, but my body just wouldn't let me. One of the things I want to note is that, although it is common, I didn't often feel sad. I did have certain days when I felt sad for no reason, which I could recognize. But more often than not, I just felt oppressive fatigue more on the end of nothingness. Just general "blah." I can't recall feeling much else, honestly.  I also gained a lot of weight, which I attributed to stress and eating crap. Not so much.

It wasn't until my mom pointed it out that I realized I was in a deep, dark battle with depression. My parents came down for a visit and my mom sat me down and said, "you're really angry." Now if you know me at all, you know that I am not an angry person. I'm probably one of the most chill people you know. But at this point at time I was the freakin' Hulk. Any little thing set me off, and the fact that I didn't notice until someone else did is a little scary. How can your entire personality shift without you even realizing? My biggest issue was that even though my mom had explained depression to me in the past, I was so far deep that I couldn't even recognize the symptoms. Luckily, that conversation with my mom was enough to wake me up and realize what was going on. Just being armed with that knowledge of what triggered me and what I was feeling, I was able to combat it and heal.

I think moving back home definitely helped. It alleviated a lot of my stress, and being with my family always makes me happy. I slowly got better and am lucky to have not experienced a really bad episode like that in many years. However, in retrospect, I so wish I had figured it out sooner. I missed a lot of opportunities and my schoolwork and relationships suffered as well. Part of me wishes I could get a do over for that year, but everything happens for a reason. I think I needed to experience that so that when I start to fall into that rabbit hole again I am ready to pull myself out. I haven't felt the need to get medication for my depression, since it is pretty mild at this point. My anxiety on the other hand is a different story, one that is for another day. With depression, I find that I am able to recognize my patterns and I prevent it by really taking care of myself mentally.

I still have to fight sometimes to get out of bed in the morning, but at least now I can tell the difference between depression weighing me down and just plain 'ol exhaustion! I'm happy to share my story and help you guys understand that depression is not always totally apparent. If any of you want to share your stories, ask/share advice, or just need someone to talk to I am always here! We can chat in the comments, or you can message me privately through my Facebook page!

XO, Briana

Let's Talk About: Winter Blues

It's that time of the year again, where the days are short, sunshine is in short supply and tons of people find themselves at home all day wrapped up in a blanket feeling like total crap.  If you are one of those people (I know I am) then you've come to the right blog post.

According to Mental Health America, about 5% of the U.S. population suffer from what is called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  It is a form of depression that is prevalent during the winter months.  Interestingly enough, the further away you are from the equator, the more likely you are to experience SAD.

As a victim of general depression, I am absolutely susceptible to SAD and I hate it.  I notice it effects me more when I don't have a million things to do.  For example, I just started back to school after a very busy winter break.  I only have one class and hours at work have been cut so I've found myself sitting around the house a LOT.  I didn't recognize the symptoms at first, since it hasn't been as bad since I've moved down South.  However, this morning when I found myself glued to my recliner watching reruns of American Dad thinking "why do I have zero motivation to do anything," I realized I was just taking in my yearly dose of SAD.

The hardest thing about SAD is that you are constantly tired and don't want to do anything; and I mean anything.  Even all of the things I had planned to do today that were super fun made me cringe. All I wanted to do was sit there and wallow in self pity: I'm tired. I'm hungry. Everything hurts. Why do I still have a cold? I just want to sleep.  

Well no. I did not allow myself to do that.  Yes it takes a crap ton of willpower to peel your ass off the couch and do something.  Believe me, I didn't always have it in me.  And some days I still don't! But after years of dealing with depression and finding ways to get past it, I keep a few tricks up my sleeve for almost tricking yourself into feeling better.

Do something that seems productive but really isn't

What do I mean by this? Come up with some activities that make you feel like you're getting something accomplished but really don't make a ton of difference.  The perfect examples come from self care.  Get a shower, moisturize, put on a face mask and chill.  These may sound silly and like things you do on a regular day, but if you're feeling as low as I was earlier, you probably will be hesitant to do those too.  Basically, by doing something that got me up and moving and feeling like I was being productive, I got my brain in the mindset to continue my productivity.

Take baby steps

By doing things that are only a tiny bit productive, I'm slowly introducing myself into the productive mindset.  This works better, I find, than just trying to push myself into doing something very taxing like cleaning or exercising.  By taking baby steps, I've been able to slowly engage in more productive activities like writing this post.

Sunlight and Vitamin D

Everything I've read on SAD suggests getting as much Vitamin D as possible.  In the past, I've even been prescribed the vitamin because mine was so low.  I suggest popping over to your nearest pharmacy and getting in on some of those vitamin gummies.  Not only will they help your body adjust to the sunless winter months, but they are also delicious and much more fun than taking a pill.

I've also seen several suggestions for light therapy.  I've never tried it, but it seems to be something that really helps people with SAD.  Personally, I'm lucky enough to live in the South where I get a good amount of sunshine during the day.  So if it is sunny out, make sure to at least open up your blinds and let it shine in!

Create a happy environment 

Once you are able to get yourself moving, create a happy and uplifting environment.  I put on my summer playlist while I got my shower and lit a beach scented candle.  Summertime is my happy place, so using things that reminded me of that definitely made me feel better.  I also plan on painting my nails a fun color and put on some fun and comfy clothes.

Move where it's warm

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Like I mentioned earlier, the closer you are to the equator, the less likely you are to suffer from SAD.  I also personally hate the cold and want to live in an eternal summer.  So if you have the ability and desire to fly south for the winter (or for, like, ever) then do it.  You'll probably be a lot happier!

Check out my "Health" board on Pinterest for more information on SAD and other ways to help with depression.


What do you do to get yourself out of a winter slump? Have you tried any of these suggestions? Let me know in the comments!

XO, Briana